I've lived a mere 19 years and with no doubt in my mind, I've been in love. Only once though but it was true. It is not until someone truly is in love when they realize how much tv and movies and even books lie about love. Love is not easy. It is not simple. It is the most complicated thing in the world, especially when you fall in love with someone that you didn't want to love in the first place. Actually, more than anything, I want to deny my feelings in the beginning. After the acceptance, I embraced it. But it takes two to dance the waltz of love. Luckily, the guy I fell in love with loved me back, accepting it even more then I did. However, he denied the love, refusing to accept it until the moment he left. Our love was anything but easy and happy. It was hard. It was hurtful. It stole my heart.
It's been 2 years since that first love and I have not loved since. Is it really true that we can love more than one person in our life? I know we can love friends and family but I'm talking about true love. The love you have for someone where you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Am I bound by the love for my first love, forever cursed to wait for them to accept their love for me, unable to love again? Or am I free to form a new love, maybe with someone who truly is my "true love?" I've come close to loving again, although I believe I forced myself to stop the love to save the pain to my heart.
As human beings, why do we fight to have love? Why do you try so hard to have another person love us in return? Can we not function without love? Are we unable to exist without one form of love in our life? I love my family, my friends and the people around me. However, will I not be complete if I have no man to love me or to love in return? I don't believe that although I do wish at times that love was simpler. That it was easy and effortless, like breathing. It can be but that love does not last long. Why can't love be simple and easy like the love between friends and family? Okay. Maybe that love isn't easy but it's easier than any love I've experienced.
With Valentine's Day coming up, love is on my mind so much. I've spent the past 2 years on V-Day, single. Last year was the worst V-Day in my life, seeing as it was the end of a horrible relationship by a using, lying guy. As the days end and the holiday comes up, I fear another horrible holiday. I used to love Valentine's Day. I was sometimes single on those days but I would make the days about my friends, especially the ones who were never in a relationship. As I'm currently seeing a guy right now, I fear to bring up the topic of V-Day. Should we celebrate it or ignore it, seeing as we are not in a relationship? Love again has caused my mind to become confused. Curse you love! You end lives and cause wars! Why must you hack away at my own heart?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Never ending Dream
Life. In movies and books, life is either seen as a dramatic challenge or super easy. We're let to believe that life is something so simple to control or even fated. In actuality, life is a never ending dream. Some moments are so unrealistic that you have to look back and make sure that it actually happened, unsure of whether to believe your memories or not. Others seem to drag on, an almost nightmarish pattern, causing every part of your body to scream for comfort. Life is hard. Life is easy. Life is unbelievable.
As I have lived the 19 years of my life, I have seen a few things. Although I am not old or wise enough to know what life is about, I can take a guess at it. I have had my ups and downs. I have experiences bitter mistakes and sweetened dreams. I have witnessed death and also birth. I have watched my brothers grow from curious and almost devilish boys to smart and admiring young men. I almost want to rewind time, just so those boys never have to grow up. I hate to think about how my mother feels about all of us growing up. Regardless, life is something we cannot stop, fast forward or even rewind. There is no "pause" button. No undo button. We live each moment, never being able to relive it again. Every minute is inching toward the future. Every second we lose. That's what some may thing about life. That you waste every minute just by breathing and being alive. I beg to differ.
Every minute, I'm living. I live each moment. I work toward my future. I spend each minute gaining everything I gain to live in the future. I don't waste my minutes of life. I embrace them. I look back toward my past and think to myself, "You were a fool back then. But you learned and have grown." Everyone makes mistakes. Some people may say that there is no mistake that you don't regret. I disagree. There are mistakes I have made. At one point, I did regret them and wish I could change everything. I only regret my regrets. Because of my mistakes, I have become the person I am today. I have grown. I have become stronger and more confident in myself. I have lived. I look toward the future knowing that my mistakes and past have strengthened me in ways a sheltered life could not have. I don't believe in hiding a child from the world and enforcing unreasonable rules upon them just to make them "safe." I'm not saying that rules should not be established. I just believe that at the certain age, each person needs to make their own decisions. Make their own mistakes. Otherwise, their mistakes in the future will hurt them worse, seeing as they won't know how to learn from them.
At one point, I believed my life was sheltered. That I was hidden from certain things and forbidden to do anything that was not approved by my parents. As I've grown older, I understand the rules. They were for my protection. As silly as they might be, my parents meant well. They still watch over me now, trying to protect me from the world. The world has already marked me though. I have entered into the world, brutally backhanded by reality. But I learned from it. I pressed forward, knowing what I wanted from life and taking the world's hand and slapping it to the side.
We try to label life into something, trying to find some reason or purpose for it. Philosophers. Religious leaders. Even everyday people try to find the motive for living. I'd like to say there is a reason but I do not know for myself. Yet I would never my life up for anything. Sure. Life is hard and can be depressing. It causes you to want to tear open your chest and take out your heart. It makes you want to bleed and never stop. It makes you want to curl up within yourself, crying nonstop. Yet it gives gifts as well. The little things in life are what keep me going. The daily "goodnight" I get from my baby brother. The "good morning" texts I get from the guy I'm crazy about. The crazy greetings and hugs from my co-workers. The little notes and texts from my closest friends. The "I love you" from my parents. Those things keep me going. Make me want to live. To know that I'll be missed if I ever end my life.
Life is truly a mystery. Just like our dreams. We try to analyze our dreams, to try to find the true meaning to them. They could be our dreams true desires. A wish our heart makes. Or just fun entertainment our brain makes for us to make sleep not so boring. Whatever it is, it's mysterious. It's hard to put one true meaning onto it. Just like life, dreams are scary. Wonderful. Hard to embrace. Yet we experience them each day (well, most of us). We sometimes can't get enough of them. Just like life. A never ending dream. A wondrous tale of our story. The legacy we leave behind once we pass.
As I have lived the 19 years of my life, I have seen a few things. Although I am not old or wise enough to know what life is about, I can take a guess at it. I have had my ups and downs. I have experiences bitter mistakes and sweetened dreams. I have witnessed death and also birth. I have watched my brothers grow from curious and almost devilish boys to smart and admiring young men. I almost want to rewind time, just so those boys never have to grow up. I hate to think about how my mother feels about all of us growing up. Regardless, life is something we cannot stop, fast forward or even rewind. There is no "pause" button. No undo button. We live each moment, never being able to relive it again. Every minute is inching toward the future. Every second we lose. That's what some may thing about life. That you waste every minute just by breathing and being alive. I beg to differ.
Every minute, I'm living. I live each moment. I work toward my future. I spend each minute gaining everything I gain to live in the future. I don't waste my minutes of life. I embrace them. I look back toward my past and think to myself, "You were a fool back then. But you learned and have grown." Everyone makes mistakes. Some people may say that there is no mistake that you don't regret. I disagree. There are mistakes I have made. At one point, I did regret them and wish I could change everything. I only regret my regrets. Because of my mistakes, I have become the person I am today. I have grown. I have become stronger and more confident in myself. I have lived. I look toward the future knowing that my mistakes and past have strengthened me in ways a sheltered life could not have. I don't believe in hiding a child from the world and enforcing unreasonable rules upon them just to make them "safe." I'm not saying that rules should not be established. I just believe that at the certain age, each person needs to make their own decisions. Make their own mistakes. Otherwise, their mistakes in the future will hurt them worse, seeing as they won't know how to learn from them.
At one point, I believed my life was sheltered. That I was hidden from certain things and forbidden to do anything that was not approved by my parents. As I've grown older, I understand the rules. They were for my protection. As silly as they might be, my parents meant well. They still watch over me now, trying to protect me from the world. The world has already marked me though. I have entered into the world, brutally backhanded by reality. But I learned from it. I pressed forward, knowing what I wanted from life and taking the world's hand and slapping it to the side.
We try to label life into something, trying to find some reason or purpose for it. Philosophers. Religious leaders. Even everyday people try to find the motive for living. I'd like to say there is a reason but I do not know for myself. Yet I would never my life up for anything. Sure. Life is hard and can be depressing. It causes you to want to tear open your chest and take out your heart. It makes you want to bleed and never stop. It makes you want to curl up within yourself, crying nonstop. Yet it gives gifts as well. The little things in life are what keep me going. The daily "goodnight" I get from my baby brother. The "good morning" texts I get from the guy I'm crazy about. The crazy greetings and hugs from my co-workers. The little notes and texts from my closest friends. The "I love you" from my parents. Those things keep me going. Make me want to live. To know that I'll be missed if I ever end my life.
Life is truly a mystery. Just like our dreams. We try to analyze our dreams, to try to find the true meaning to them. They could be our dreams true desires. A wish our heart makes. Or just fun entertainment our brain makes for us to make sleep not so boring. Whatever it is, it's mysterious. It's hard to put one true meaning onto it. Just like life, dreams are scary. Wonderful. Hard to embrace. Yet we experience them each day (well, most of us). We sometimes can't get enough of them. Just like life. A never ending dream. A wondrous tale of our story. The legacy we leave behind once we pass.
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